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It could all be so simple. But you’d rather make it hard. Loving you is like a battle and we both end up with scars. Ex-Factor, Lauryn Hill

I love that song but Lauryn is a prime example of how a man can drive you crazy and ruin your life.  As women we have to understand and accept that some men aren’t supposed to be kept. They are supposed to be dumped, dropped, kicked to the curb and forgotten the minute they try and cause us emotional harm. I’ve had my share of ex-boyfriends. Most I’ve kept way past their expiration dates. They weren’t the ones. I’m sure because the only time I thought about them was when I was mentally back handing myself for not dumping them before they broke my heart. Ex-boyfriends are ex’s for a reason. They’re gone from our lives because they were wrong for us even though we were convinced that they were Mr. Right. I bring up ex-boyfriends because I had a blast from the past.

My ex-boyfriend called me recently. In the history of ex-boyfriends he was the worst. It’s no coincidence that he was also the most beautiful. I don’t use the word beautiful loosely; he had a face that put all other mortals to shame. Translation? I put up with extra shit from him for the privilege of loving him as much as he loved himself.  I listened to the deep baritone of his voice as he spoke and I remembered how much I used to love to hear my name on his lips. I indulged him as he walked us down memory lane editing out our big break up scene where he watched me walk out of his apartment and his life at night in the worst neighborhood in New York.  He photo-shopped and repainted the picture of our time together and made it look way better than it was. Wait up, screech. Fantasy destroyed.  Was he reading from a script that I’d never seen? In my version he was always creeping, complaining and looking out for the next best thing. The next best thing was never me. Was he looking at our life through eyes clouded by a half a bottle of Jack Daniels with a side of Gin? Because in my version my days were spent crying and wishing that he could love me as I was. Those wishes the Genie never granted. I was over it. He was too many years too late and we’d both moved on. He had a new family now. Was he having buyer’s remorse? Was domestication making him stir crazy for what might have been? Better him than me. I’d grown, matured and become a woman that had no time for yesterday’s news or trash. Out with the old and in with the new. Forget about yesterday’s boyfriend. I have.

Have you let yesterday’s love leave you with battle scars from the past?



About the Author

Stephanie Small, Sistah & Superhero! Author, Educator, Personal Growth Coach & wannabe Superhero! Author of Black Girl's Guide to Winning at Love & Life! (Available on Amazon.com, B&N and Kobo)
  • Singlemominnyc

    Dear Super Sistah,

    I have had my share of break-ups.  Some where I have broken a few hearts and others where my heart was broken.  I tell you, the broken heart was always more temporary than I expected (at least from my end).

    Some of my exes despise me until this day because I decided to move on.  I don’t mind being friends with my ex.  After all, there must have been a reason why we were “friends”, talking on the phone all hours of night, hanging out and laughing, right?

    Now, when there is dishonesty in the relationship then a friendship after a breakup may be more difficult, but is still possible from my perspective.  Sometimes when there is less pressure to be good and people can relax without the need to impress you might see a more honest person.

    Maybe we don’t have a future as man and wife, but why throw the baby out with the bathwater?  


    • Thanks for writing SingleMomNyc,
      I hear you and I feel you but I must disagree. I don’t disagree with the premise of your argument but with the fine details. The Devil is in the details from my point of view and I’ve had some ex-boyfriends devilish enough that I was tempted to douse them with holy water. Why I liked them may have had nothing to do with them being good peeps and everything to do with me. Maybe I was insecure, stuck, confused or unfocused when I selected them but eventually I saw the light. When they started acting dishonest then it was time for the curb. There are some men that I can talk to post-breakup because they are essentially good men. There are others that if I ever see them again there might be some fists involved. Telling the difference is not always cut and dry. In the end it comes down to this. I don’t believe in keeping anyone around, male or female that is negative, hurtful or brings out the worst in me. The bathwater is good but no one wants to keep swimming in water after someone has peed.

      Stay Super,
      the Super Sistah


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