Guess what, Super? I’ve found a man!
Word? (I love when I get a chance to say that.)
Yup, he’s good between the sheets, he’s kind and I think we’re on our way to being in love.
Your man-less drought has come to an end. Thank you, Lord! (She’ll now buy a lot less batteries.)
I know, I’m sooo excited! (Her voice goes up one octave in glee.)
Where did you meet him? (I want to know so me and all my friends can go there.)
Oh. (My excitement fades considerably.)
He has a good job, he’s cute and he’s interested in marriage.(Which means she’s already tried on his last name for size.)
That’s great news, Heather. (And it is, because Heather’s blonde hair, green eyes and kick ass corporate job hasn’t made finding love any easier.)
It’s better than great, it’s awesome. Now we just have to find the right guy for you. (She’s not being snarky, she’s being sincere.)
Still perky, happy and over-the-moon, Heather disconnects and is gone.
The interchange with one of my BFFs leaves me with a question in my mind. Is dating online not for black girls? I ask this because Heather’s story is not unique. Many of my non-black friends have found love in cyberspace. In contrast, the single sistahs journey into the dating dot-com world has been riddled with horror stories more terrifying than the movie Scream.
On the popular BlackPeopleMeet.com, eHarmony and PlentyofFish, the success rates have been hit or miss. On these sites that draw the dark and delicious, the ladies of my acquaintance have found the dude with ten baby mothers, the freakazoid out for nothing but some tail, and the guy that is married but has found the Internet an effective way to cheat on his wife.
While the trials of my sistah-friends looking for love online may be a tad bit overstated, this much is true; only a few of the fortunate ones have crossed cultural lines and found love and interracial bliss. Only a lucky few have found Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome and happily went off to jump the broom. Generally, they, unlike my “other” girlfriends, did not find the executive, the nature enthusiast or the dude who has an open heart and a grammatically correct personal profile. For the vast majority, the PC and their profile has produced only disappointing results.
So I ask my readers in all sincerity, is dating dot-com NOT for the Dark & Lovely? The jury is still out.
Tags: Black Love, black women, computer love, Dating, internet, Love, Marriage, Men, Online Dating, Race
Happy New Year – Have a Great 2013
Want to thank all the Super fans who supported me, my blog and my book this year. Thanks for the love, the support, the kind words and the encouragement when it was needed and necessary. I haven’t forgotten all those who have been in my corner for 2012. Here’s to a bigger, brighter and better 2013.
Tags: 2013, New Year, New Year's Resolutions
New Year – New Attitude
Looking back on 2012 it has been a good year. I haven’t scaled any mountains, rescued any kids, adopted any dogs or run for office, but I’ve accomplished some things I never thought that I could. In 12 months I’ve:
- Established my own publishing company and published my first book which is fulfilling a dream I’ve had since I was 16
- Written 29 blog posts this year (probably should have written more)
- Been a guest on 5 book promotion blog talk radio shows
- Celebrated a successful book launch
- Lost some real, Twitter and Facebook friends but I have gained so many more
- Worked off 10 stubborn pounds. The holiday lasagna and red velvet cake has only made me gain back 2. Whew!
- Visited 3 different countries and in doing so reconnected with family and friends
- Inched closer to accepting who and what I am with the Lord’s help
All is good. In the past, always wanting an expecting more has led to a sense of dissatisfaction no matter what I’ve managed to accomplish. This year, I’m just giving thanks. I’m thankful that unlike parents in Connecticut, I haven’t lost a child. Like some soldiers in Afghanistan, I haven’t lost hope or a limb. I’m grateful that unlike some of the homeless wandering the streets, I have a roof over my head. When the New Year comes to an end, as human beings, we lament about all the things we should have accomplished but didn’t. All the things we tried to do but failed. All the goals we wanted to reach but fell short. This year I’m trying something new. I’m practicing gratitude. I’m living with a spirit of expectation and thanks. I’m loving with an open heart and participating in life on a day-by-day basis knowing that hard days will come, but that I’ve been blessed. It’s easy to remember the bad things that have happened in 2012 but can you list and remember the good?
Despite the Mayan doomsday prophecy, we’re all still here. Despite scary hockey mask Jason, the number 13 can still mean something good. Whether you’re in church clapping your hands or in the club raising your glass for cheers, will you remember all the things you should be grateful for in the last year? Do you believe that a good New Year is dependent on a New Attitude?
Wishing all the Super fans, both old and new, a prosperous and happy 2013!
Tags: 2013, Celebration, New Year's, Resolutions, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Success
Getting Wiggy With It
I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations. I am the soul that lives within. India Arie – I Am Not My Hair
Speaking from the standpoint of a woman who has no clue what her natural hair looks like, I hesitate to jump in feet first to the natural versus processed hair debate. I’m in no position to judge what a woman wants to do with her wig, weave, locks or tresses. Recently, however; I had a brief debate with a gentleman who told me that women who are natural are less influenced by the man and are more in touch with their Africaness. Ahh, okay. While my picture has never graced the cover of the Dark & Lovely box and I’ve never been photographed pro Panther with an Afro pick in my hair and my fist raised, I’m still a sister to the core. Sadly, it seems I don’t have the hair to prove it.
I dig my sisters sporting the fro, the loose wave, the all-out kink and the buzz cut. That they have embraced their beauty outside of the Yaki versus Remy hair war–it cost $200 for a decent weavologist to take my hair from Badu to Beyoncé blood feud—I’ve been at the hairstylist for three hours trying to torture my hair beautiful power struggle, is great. I admire the Shea butter, coconut oil and Miss Jessie Pudding wearing sisters. I do not, however; bestow them with an instant American Express All Black card of consciousness because their hair is kinky and mine is straight. No can do. I know natural ladies who have never read, much less written a book. I know women sporting an Afro for the mere reason that the perm made all their hair fall out. They are not addicted to the creamy crack based on any political stance. To say so would be ludicrous. While natural and beautiful, these women are neither less nor more blacker than me. Naturalness is a choice, a decision, a lifestyle change and I dig it. But I Am Not My Hair and a woman’s hair is not the sum of her parts. I have 99 problems but my relaxer ain’t one.
One day I will leave the lure of the pressing comb, the perm and the flat iron behind. I will not be drawn to the long ponytail to supposedly validate my existence. I will reject the establishment and go full-fledged I’m natural and a woman hear me roar. Not today though, today I have to go to work and the gas bill is due.
Does it make sense to divide women based on natural versus straight, dark-skinned versus light-skinned or field versus house chick? Can the processed and the permed sister still call herself black, conscious and African if she’s still Getting Wiggy With It?
Tags: Black Hair, black women, Identity, India Arie, Natural Hair, Weaves, Wigs
Little Black Book
Super, congratulations on your new book but I must confess that I object to your book title on all levels. Signed your friend … Anonymous
It’s happened. It’s started already. Because of the title of my newly released book: Don’t Let the White Girl Win, some folks are accusing me of being a hater. Others, the more polite ones, dig the title but ask me in hushed tones, are you sure you want to call your book that? People won’t understand. You know the P.C. police are going to eat your ass alive. I stand by my book and its contents and to those who challenge me I say, mi nuh tek back nuh talk, that’s patois for yeah that’s my book title so what?
That said, to satisfy the curious as well as the furious, let me give you a peek into the table of contents of my mind. First of all folks, the book isn’t about hate or intolerance. It’s about winning and succeeding. It’s about helping black women abandon failed techniques and strategies for improving their lives. It’s about competition and truth. It’s about empowering women to be the best versions of themselves. I use white women in this book for comparative analysis. Although I speak of the other girl in real life terms, ultimately, she symbolizes any object, person or thing that women of color perceive as an obstacle to their happiness. They are not defiled or reviled in this book. What would be the point? Who has the time or the energy to spend 194 pages complaining, blaming and whining? I don’t. While I don’t downplay or dismiss the reality of some black men quitting the Negro Love League to play for the other team, the focus of the guide is not on white women. Instead, it’s where it should be, which is on helping black women win at everything that their minds and hearts can imagine or conceive. If some readers haven’t discovered this, then that’s because they haven’t taken the time to read past chapter one. There is more to this book besides its outrageous cover.
So to the naysayers, the Negative Nancy’s and the quick to judge: Bitter Black Girl books are written for and by Bitter Black Girls. Super Sistah books are written for Better Black Girls, Beautiful Black Girls and Black Girls that Rock.
My Little Black Book has resulted in controversy with bouts of serious comedy. Don’t Let The White Girl Win has turned some readers on while scaring others off. Have you judged this little black book by its cover without reading what’s inside?
Tags: african-american literature, Black Girls Rock, Black Love, Books, Dating, Interracial, Love, Marriage, Men, non-fiction, Reading, Relationships
Don’t Let The White Girl Win Toronto Book Launch
On Saturday, November 24th @ 227 Lounge, I had such an amazing turn out at the Toronto Launch of the Self-Help Guide for Single Sisters entitled: Don’t Let The White Girl Win. So glad that despite the outrageous and controversial title both men and women came out to support the project fully accepting that you should never judge a book by its cover. Many came to celebrate, ask questions, mingle and buy more books than I could have hoped for.
Thanks everyone for your tremendous support. If you missed the launch but heard all the positive vibes flowing my way and would like to purchase a copy. Get one here or here or directly from the publisher here.
My fans and friends are truly Super. Thanks everyone.
LIKE the book here: www.facebook.com/DontLetTheWhiteGirlWin
Tags: Black Love, black women, Book Launch, Dating, Interracial, Love, Marriage, Men, Sex
Ms.Can’t Get Enough
I want it. Got to have it. Need it bad. Can’t get enough. The Super, me, Stephanie to my friends, can now say that I’m a success. I’m an author, officially. Not only a blogger whose words were one hack job away from obscurity or whose written legacy was at the mercy of my web host’s control-freak grip. Now my words and thoughts have moved offline and are forever captured for posterity in print. Yeah. Hooray. Gold star for me you think? Nein (No in German), non (No in French) and Nee (No in Dutch) and kuzimu hakuna (Hell no in Swahili). I think by now you get my point in whatever language you happen to speak.
Like me, lots of women of my acquaintance are very accomplished. They have a great career, a bad ass crib and enough clothes and shoes to inspire envy. They should be happy and for the most part they are, but like some women are nymphomaniacs who can’t get enough sex, some women are success nymphos who can’t get enough of the next. Like reggae singer I Wayne sings, Can’t satisfy her. She needs more wood for the fire. The fire for more that burns in some women is like a disease. Not unlike the euphoria a good orgasm brings, for some the rush of being at their best doesn’t last past the dying embers of the post coital cigarette. Inhale in and exhale out, now what bridge can be built, what ladder can be climbed, what bear can she fight with her bare hands and win? Lord Jesus, can you please calm down and chill! For these women I’m sharing the sound of my internal secret-self crying out in distress. The sound is ignored as we turn our attention instead to our To-Do list:
- Conquered the world? No check.
- Found the ideal man? No check.
- As rich as Croesus? No check.
- As fit and diesel as the Jamaican track team chicks? No check, no check, no check.
Sigh, despair and all our previous accomplishments are blown to bits. For indulging in this self-destructive nonsense I’m handing out slaps with a closed hand fist. Ladies, take the time to pat yourself on the back. Take the time to appreciate yourself. You may not get another chance. A successful life is not measured in accolades but in the moments and seconds in life that can’t be replaced. Breathe. Enjoy all that you’ve accomplished and then relax and release. The best time of your life is right in front of you. Stop chasing what’s next.
Are you incapable of living in the moment? Are you too preoccupied to experience a good cry, a good laugh or good sex? Are you Ms. Can’t Get Enough–What’s Next?
Tags: black women, Confidence, Dreams, Money, Personal Power, Sex, Success
Dr. Vibe Interviews the Super Sistah “Author Stephanie Small”
Join me on Dr. Vibe’s Radio show tonight as I discuss my new book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win. Dr. Vibe’s show is a podcast for black men & those who love them. It’s a perfect place for a Super Sistah to get her point across.
Tune in and stay tuned @ 9pm EST. Wednesday, November 7, 2012.
Don’t Miss It!
Tags: Blac, Black Love, black women, Dating, Dr.Vibe, Interracial, Interviews, Love, Marriage, Men, Podcasts, Radio Shows, Success
Triangle Variety Radio Show Hosts: Author Stephanie “the Super Sistah” Small
The Super Sistah herself, Self-Help Author Stephanie Small, hits blog talk radio for her first guest appearance to discuss her newly released book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win @ 8:00pm on November 3, 2012.
Patrick, the host, has a lot of questions and Stephanie has all the answers. Tune in!
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Love, Marriage, Relationships
Kissing Ken Syndrome
My mother bought me a Barbie Doll when I was seven and from the moment I met the busty blonde I knew she and I were destined to find deep everlasting love. I was half right. That year I began my quest to make Barbie appealing to the opposite sex with an array of outfits & hairstyles. Just when I’d exhausted my childish mind with ideas to make my doll beautiful, my mom did the unthinkable, she bought my Barbie a mate. Ken had wide shoulders, an impossibly small waist and muscles. Even if I couldn’t fully appreciate his masculine beauty back then, one thing was for sure, Barbie and this guy was going to have some fun. B/K (Barbie & Ken) were the perfect couple, they were exclusive, openly demonstrative and sexually creative behind closed doors (in seven-year-old terms this meant I placed Ken beside Barbie and left him there).
It was obvious to all of B/K’s friends, Kung-Fu Grip G.I Joe, Wonder Woman and Smurfette, that they were in love. The love between this genetically gifted couple lasted for years and flourished into the kind of relationship most little girls dream about: happily ever after, genetically blessed children, the perfect pink two-story house and Ken looking at Barbie with opened eyed adoration for years to come. This is the reality all women should expect. Ahh… yeah, right.
For perpetually single and lonely women, the reason for their single-lady-ness is called Kissing Ken Syndrome. Still trapped in childhood, many women fantasize about Ken but in grownup terms. He must have the same hot convertible, must spend hours in the gym, must carry a briefcase and all other women must want him. If real life Ken has acne, questionable credit or is still in possession of his college Futon, then he’s shit out of luck. People ask me for advice about men all the time and it’s all I can do to keep my thoughts to myself. When I ask them what they’re looking for I expect answers that show up routinely on my list:
- Faithful and honest
- Trustworthy and committed
- Good to me and for me
- Loves the Lord
- Is financially stable and ambitious
- Loves me as I am
- Has potential to be a good father, mate and friend
- Self-assured, smart and mentally tough
Of course this list has potential to be pages deep, but these are my core needs. Core meaning integral, all important and the key to the survival of our relationship. When I ask the seemingly innocuous question, what do you want in a man? From women I’ve gotten lists comprised of the following:
- Must have a car
- Must workout 4-5 times a week
- Must have an advanced degree
- Must be hot, cute and smokin’
- Must have significant savings in the bank
- Must be over 6’ feet tall
- Must have “equipment” over 8 inches in length (Good luck)
With these impossible expectations women cry when their expectations are not met and they’re all alone. The dude who meets all the expectations on a 25 point checklist wants his female equivalent. His comparative list leaves most women waiting in the shade. Can we expect a man with perfect pecs and biceps if we haven’t seen the inside of a gym in years? Can we expect perfect credit when the bank shreds our application when we request a credit card? If we are only averaging 6 out of 10 on the beauty scale, can we expect a man who looks like he could star in his own beauty commercial?
Are women of today grown-up Barbie dolls looking for their real-life Ken?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships
Fat or BabyPhat?
A few days ago on Yahoo I read that by the year 2030 more than 50% of the population will be clinically obese. Lord help us all if a Big Mac and fries becomes the meal of choice. Specifically the health of black women has been on my mind. I often wonder if women of color take their health seriously? Do we spend as much time as we should maintaining a decent body weight for our heights? As black women are we an intricate part of the obesity epidemic? Have we gone past babyphat to just plain, fat, fat?
This is relevant to me because yesterday I ate a whole box of chocolate by myself: Toffifay for those of you who are wondering about my special brand of chocolate crack. I ate it joyfully but felt awful afterwards when I thought about what damage that 600-calorie snack was going to do to my waistline and to my BMI.
I’m sorry to bring this weight issue up again as I promised my readers in a moment of weakness that I would refrain from discussing my obsession with my body and all its moving parts. But in this post it’s not my body I’m focusing on, it’s everyone else’s health.
In my upcoming book I ask the question, are black women’s weight issues the reason for their dating challenges? Some say yes. Others say no. The jury is still out.
Weigh in on the weight issue and tell me if you think that black women have moved past babyphat to something else.
Tags: black women, Diet & Exercise, Self-Confidence, Weight
Don’t Let the White Girl Win Book Trailer
Like the best movies, the best books have trailers too. Check out the trailer for Don’t Let the White Girl Win available in paperback and eBook at Amazon & Barnes and Noble Online – October 29th.
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Interracial, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Sex, Tough Love