The Karma Curse
What is Karma? The notion behind this Indian religious concept is the belief that a person’s actions determines his or her destiny. Now, I’m not up in this piece chiming any tinkling bells or rubbing baby Buddha’s big belly, but to put it biblically for my denominational folks, karma means that you reap what you sow. It’s the idea that our fates and our destinies are determined by our good or bad deeds. It’s the idea that nothing we do is a secret from our inner selves or the higher power. It’s the belief that the universe is watching our every action and we must eventually pay the penalty or accept the reward. In everyday terms for those of us navigating the big bad world of men, marriage and relationships, it means that we must resist the urge to be less than our very best selves. When examining the motivates behind our actions, we should assess whether we are gaining our happiness off the backs of others. We must hold ourselves accountable when we do or say things that hurt or harm individuals that cross our paths.
Wrapping positivity around us is not always easy. There are times when we want to let our dark angel out and let her have free reign. In the instances when we feel, as women, that we’ve been taken advantage of, hurt or humiliated, adhering to this concept becomes very challenging. For the ladies that spell revenge with a capital R. It means they must refrain from keying their ex’s car, slashing his tires or calling the IRS to report his fraudulent tax return. It means having a long talk with their sinner self that wants to paper his office lobby with pictures of his privates. It means doing battle with the bad girl that wants to take center stage. Slap her silly and don’t let her out. When we do bad things we either pay now or pay later. Whether we are good or bad, Karma always collects. Remember what goes around comes around. Sow seeds of power and positivity. Avoid the negative Karma curse and embrace a destiny filled with positive energy.
Our friend fate is on our side, are we on his?
Tags: Dating, God, Good and Evil, Karma, Relationships, Spiritual, Strength
Mind Magick ~ Culture Freedom Radio Interviews the Super Sistah
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships
Married to the Myth
Every young girl dreams of happily ever after. They dream of the white wedding and the man that will sweep them off their feet. They look forward to the Vera Wang gown accessorized by a Swarovski crystal stiletto designed by Cinderella herself. The cake – three tiered. The groom: tall, dark and drool worthy. The venue: muy caliente. The wedding night: romantic with a dash of Fifty Shades. The happily ever after: perfect!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Not so fast. For many, what happens in real life is that shortly after the honeymoon, the new bride is confronted with her prince’s dirty laundry, the sound of him farting in bed and the reality that too much home cooked meals has given him a slight belly. Yet all is right in the world. After years of searching for the one, these urban princesses are not about to bitch and moan about the details. But then time passes. Except for the digital pics, the white wedding is a distant memory. The prince has gotten complacent, neglectful and slightly more portly. There are kids, college, mortgages and bank loans. There are days that go by without goodnight kisses; I love you’s or expressions of passion and tenderness. The wedding was beautiful but the marriage is work and hubby dearest has forgotten to punch his time card. Is it time to throw in the towel? Love, like all living things, cannot flourish in an environment of neglect. For it to flourish it has to be watered with kindness, kissed with warmth and tended diligently to make sure that weeds don’t choke it to death. If the love is gone or has been put on the bench to sit, that’s because someone in the relationship succumbed to the marriage myth. The myth that the person you married will stay the same, the vows you’ve made will never be broken and the commitment you made will never be tested. The strongest couples, the ones that make it through the day-to-day, understand this: relationships require labor intensive, back-breaking hours or dedication and sweat.
Has love gone on hiatus, vacation or has reported itself missing to the cops? Do you still love your spouse or are you over it? Is happily ever after a reality or is forever a myth?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Cheating, Divorce, Love, Marriage, Relationships
In the Army Now: Sergeants & Soldiers
“Black women naturally have flavor. We’re spicy like a scorching pot of gumbo simmering on the stove with the flame turned up too high.” Quote from the book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win: Dating, Relationship & Self-Help for Single Sisters
Mom is the Sergeant and General in many families and her kids are her dutiful soldiers. This woman in authority barks out orders and expects to be immediately obeyed. She lays down the law as the primary caregiver and will not tolerate any disobedience. As is common with powerful women, we fear and revere her. We understand without being told that she’s the HNIC – Head Negro in Charge. She’s the squadron chief and the official team leader. Like the most terrifying drill sergeant, mom is not to be messed with. In single-parent households this woman of steel is our only role model so by default many women grow up mimicking their mom’s ways. While her leadership style may be effective in rearing kids, it doesn’t go over so well in relationships. Trying to get your significant other to be about it, do what he’s told and ask how high when we say leap, probably won’t get us married. Strangely, it’s the women who have mastered the art of subtly that most often get the ring. These are the ladies who lead in absentia. Translation? They are the women that lead but make their men feel like they’re the captain of the ship. Masterful or manipulative? Can’t really say, you decide. For the rest of us who haven’t grasped the art of subterfuge, the absence of male role models and healthy examples of cooperative relationships, make us naturally want to take charge. We’ve been taught to be independent and we’re often unwilling to relinquish control. When we get into relationships we discover to our horror that love isn’t a dictatorship; it’s a democracy. Holy hell! What the heck. What now? Give him the wheel and see if he knows how to steer. Practice makes perfect.
Evidence suggests that no matter how capable, self-sufficient and independent we are as women, men are not interested in sleeping with the Master and Chief. In a battle with an enemy or worthy opponent (life), most men will choose to have a dedicated soldier by their side over even the most decorated General. Instinctively men want to protect and nurture us. For experimental purposes we’ll let them and see if the journey ends at the altar.
Have women of today forgotten who’s in charge? As Sergeants in the Army of Life can we demote ourselves to Soldiers and let love lead?
Tags: Army, Bad Habits, Battle, Black Love, black women, Dating, Let Love Lead, Love, Marriage, Master and Chief, Relationships, Soldiers
Scaredy Cat ~ Are You a Fear-Fighter or a Fraud?
The world is a big bad place and it’s frightening. Everything we want to do as human beings requires a courageous spirit that many of us do not have. To get up in the morning and face the world requires a brave face. To get the things we want, we have to fight and do battle with the fear inside of us that tells us we’re not up to the task. There is an insidious voice that whispers in our ears that we can’t do it, won’t do it and if we fail to do it, people with ridicule our attempts and laugh. The fear of derision, disapproval and humiliation keeps us fixed in the same spot in our lives year after year. We cannot move forward because the fear of failure holds us in its terrible grasp. Fight free!
In our personal lives many of us have had some devastating setbacks. I for one know firsthand what a worthy adversary terror can be. Anxiety and I are lovers entwined in a forbidden dance. We are enemies at an impasse. Fear and I fight on a daily basis, and more times than not, fear has the last laugh. Everything I do, I do it scared but one quote speaks to me: Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.
As a self-proclaimed fear-fighter, to admit to any type of insecurity means that I’m a fake, a phony and a fraud. Are any of us as fearless as we pretend to be? I say no. Instead, we all wear a mask of invulnerability. Life has taught us to live with the knot in our stomachs every time we try to conquer a new task. Experience has taught us to swallow past the lump in our throats. The lumps that form when we’re faced with the debilitating awareness that we may not succeed. Pride has made us hide our hands behind our backs every time they start to shake. Determination has taught us to project a calm that we do not feel. Sheer stubbornness has made us accept that we cannot make fear define us. We learn to accept that the most fearful people are the most critical. They will work the hardest to tear our ambitions down. Courageous people use fear as a driving force because they refuse to let anxiety hold them back.
Are you a frightened feline who can’t make progress because fear is holding you back? Are you a fear-fighter or a Scaredy Cat?
Tags: Confidence, courage, Fighting Fear, Personal Power, Self-Confidence, Strength, Success
Live Author Reading of the Book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win
The Don’t Let The White Girl Win book launch in Toronto, Ontario was an amazing success. Stephanie Small did a live reading onstage in front of an engaged and lively crowd. Reading from her self-help guide for single sisters, the excerpt wowed the crowd. Drawing from her own personal experience, the book which is part memoir, part satire and part cultural analysis, the Super Sistah proves why her self-help guide is just what black women need to find love, find success and find their way back to happiness.
Check out the video here:
Tags: Betrayal, Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Self-Confidence
A dear friend of mine recently celebrated his 40th year on the earth with a big, splashy birthday bash. For someone who remembers sixteen clearly that number seems huge. It hovers around the corner taunting me with the knowledge that I will eventually be that age in the next 10, 5, 4, 2 years, months, weeks, ah forget it! What difference does it make when I will get there, it just matters that I will get there too soon. My point is that as I celebrated with my friend, I looked around the club and thought to myself, damn! Where does the time go? As I rocked my thirty something year-old self to Michael Jackson, as I shimmied and shuffled to Mary J Blige, and as I attempted to keep up with the new tunes that requires a far more agile waistline than mine, I surveyed the crowd and had trouble reconciling the faces of the people I saw. The faces didn’t match the kids I knew from the playground or the smiling teenagers from the school yearbook. Who were all these old people? When did we all get grown with worry lines, kids, mortgages, Dodge Caravans and mommy style?
Don’t get me wrong, some of us had put up a ferocious fight with father time. There was evidence of the struggle being waged by the use of concealer to disguise dark circles, the use of spanxs to fight flab, and the determination to eradicate fashion faux pas with a steady diet of Vogue. Still time had marched on and exposed us as frauds. It showed when the music began and folks launched into the Cabbage Patch followed by the Running Man. It showed when some of us started to Bogle with a hint of Dutty Wine. It was evident when the livelier of us attempted to form what was slightly reminiscent of a Soul Train line. Many who had long ago given into laugh lines didn’t even attempt to shake their groove thing. Instead they sat in dark corners and tapped their feet to what they could catch of the beat.
It didn’t help my aging spirit that a young relative I dragged to the party with me, laughed as I attempted to Get Down On It with Kool & the Gang. Repeatedly through the night, she reminded me kindly that I looked GREAT and I only looked a little tired around the eyes. Gee, thanks. With all sincerity she said, it’s inevitable that as you get older you lose all your swag. I don’t know if I agree.
Like the celebrities that fight time with Botox, face lifts, crop tops and miniskirts in winter, should we refuse to give into time? Should we fight getting older or just throw in the towel? Do we rage against the dying of the light to quote my boy Dylan Thomas? Or do we hold on to our youthfulness and sexiness with both feet and hands? Is being an Old Ass an eventuality or are we as Old as we choose?
Tags: Aging, Bithdays, old school, Self-Confidence, Style
Happy New Year – Have a Great 2013
Want to thank all the Super fans who supported me, my blog and my book this year. Thanks for the love, the support, the kind words and the encouragement when it was needed and necessary. I haven’t forgotten all those who have been in my corner for 2012. Here’s to a bigger, brighter and better 2013.
Tags: 2013, New Year, New Year's Resolutions
New Year – New Attitude
Looking back on 2012 it has been a good year. I haven’t scaled any mountains, rescued any kids, adopted any dogs or run for office, but I’ve accomplished some things I never thought that I could. In 12 months I’ve:
- Established my own publishing company and published my first book which is fulfilling a dream I’ve had since I was 16
- Written 29 blog posts this year (probably should have written more)
- Been a guest on 5 book promotion blog talk radio shows
- Celebrated a successful book launch
- Lost some real, Twitter and Facebook friends but I have gained so many more
- Worked off 10 stubborn pounds. The holiday lasagna and red velvet cake has only made me gain back 2. Whew!
- Visited 3 different countries and in doing so reconnected with family and friends
- Inched closer to accepting who and what I am with the Lord’s help
All is good. In the past, always wanting an expecting more has led to a sense of dissatisfaction no matter what I’ve managed to accomplish. This year, I’m just giving thanks. I’m thankful that unlike parents in Connecticut, I haven’t lost a child. Like some soldiers in Afghanistan, I haven’t lost hope or a limb. I’m grateful that unlike some of the homeless wandering the streets, I have a roof over my head. When the New Year comes to an end, as human beings, we lament about all the things we should have accomplished but didn’t. All the things we tried to do but failed. All the goals we wanted to reach but fell short. This year I’m trying something new. I’m practicing gratitude. I’m living with a spirit of expectation and thanks. I’m loving with an open heart and participating in life on a day-by-day basis knowing that hard days will come, but that I’ve been blessed. It’s easy to remember the bad things that have happened in 2012 but can you list and remember the good?
Despite the Mayan doomsday prophecy, we’re all still here. Despite scary hockey mask Jason, the number 13 can still mean something good. Whether you’re in church clapping your hands or in the club raising your glass for cheers, will you remember all the things you should be grateful for in the last year? Do you believe that a good New Year is dependent on a New Attitude?
Wishing all the Super fans, both old and new, a prosperous and happy 2013!
Tags: 2013, Celebration, New Year's, Resolutions, Self-Fulfilling Prophecy, Success
Little Black Book
Super, congratulations on your new book but I must confess that I object to your book title on all levels. Signed your friend … Anonymous
It’s happened. It’s started already. Because of the title of my newly released book: Don’t Let the White Girl Win, some folks are accusing me of being a hater. Others, the more polite ones, dig the title but ask me in hushed tones, are you sure you want to call your book that? People won’t understand. You know the P.C. police are going to eat your ass alive. I stand by my book and its contents and to those who challenge me I say, mi nuh tek back nuh talk, that’s patois for yeah that’s my book title so what?
That said, to satisfy the curious as well as the furious, let me give you a peek into the table of contents of my mind. First of all folks, the book isn’t about hate or intolerance. It’s about winning and succeeding. It’s about helping black women abandon failed techniques and strategies for improving their lives. It’s about competition and truth. It’s about empowering women to be the best versions of themselves. I use white women in this book for comparative analysis. Although I speak of the other girl in real life terms, ultimately, she symbolizes any object, person or thing that women of color perceive as an obstacle to their happiness. They are not defiled or reviled in this book. What would be the point? Who has the time or the energy to spend 194 pages complaining, blaming and whining? I don’t. While I don’t downplay or dismiss the reality of some black men quitting the Negro Love League to play for the other team, the focus of the guide is not on white women. Instead, it’s where it should be, which is on helping black women win at everything that their minds and hearts can imagine or conceive. If some readers haven’t discovered this, then that’s because they haven’t taken the time to read past chapter one. There is more to this book besides its outrageous cover.
So to the naysayers, the Negative Nancy’s and the quick to judge: Bitter Black Girl books are written for and by Bitter Black Girls. Super Sistah books are written for Better Black Girls, Beautiful Black Girls and Black Girls that Rock.
My Little Black Book has resulted in controversy with bouts of serious comedy. Don’t Let The White Girl Win has turned some readers on while scaring others off. Have you judged this little black book by its cover without reading what’s inside?
Tags: african-american literature, Black Girls Rock, Black Love, Books, Dating, Interracial, Love, Marriage, Men, non-fiction, Reading, Relationships
Don’t Let The White Girl Win Toronto Book Launch
On Saturday, November 24th @ 227 Lounge, I had such an amazing turn out at the Toronto Launch of the Self-Help Guide for Single Sisters entitled: Don’t Let The White Girl Win. So glad that despite the outrageous and controversial title both men and women came out to support the project fully accepting that you should never judge a book by its cover. Many came to celebrate, ask questions, mingle and buy more books than I could have hoped for.
Thanks everyone for your tremendous support. If you missed the launch but heard all the positive vibes flowing my way and would like to purchase a copy. Get one here or here or directly from the publisher here.
My fans and friends are truly Super. Thanks everyone.
LIKE the book here: www.facebook.com/DontLetTheWhiteGirlWin
Tags: Black Love, black women, Book Launch, Dating, Interracial, Love, Marriage, Men, Sex
Ms.Can’t Get Enough
I want it. Got to have it. Need it bad. Can’t get enough. The Super, me, Stephanie to my friends, can now say that I’m a success. I’m an author, officially. Not only a blogger whose words were one hack job away from obscurity or whose written legacy was at the mercy of my web host’s control-freak grip. Now my words and thoughts have moved offline and are forever captured for posterity in print. Yeah. Hooray. Gold star for me you think? Nein (No in German), non (No in French) and Nee (No in Dutch) and kuzimu hakuna (Hell no in Swahili). I think by now you get my point in whatever language you happen to speak.
Like me, lots of women of my acquaintance are very accomplished. They have a great career, a bad ass crib and enough clothes and shoes to inspire envy. They should be happy and for the most part they are, but like some women are nymphomaniacs who can’t get enough sex, some women are success nymphos who can’t get enough of the next. Like reggae singer I Wayne sings, Can’t satisfy her. She needs more wood for the fire. The fire for more that burns in some women is like a disease. Not unlike the euphoria a good orgasm brings, for some the rush of being at their best doesn’t last past the dying embers of the post coital cigarette. Inhale in and exhale out, now what bridge can be built, what ladder can be climbed, what bear can she fight with her bare hands and win? Lord Jesus, can you please calm down and chill! For these women I’m sharing the sound of my internal secret-self crying out in distress. The sound is ignored as we turn our attention instead to our To-Do list:
- Conquered the world? No check.
- Found the ideal man? No check.
- As rich as Croesus? No check.
- As fit and diesel as the Jamaican track team chicks? No check, no check, no check.
Sigh, despair and all our previous accomplishments are blown to bits. For indulging in this self-destructive nonsense I’m handing out slaps with a closed hand fist. Ladies, take the time to pat yourself on the back. Take the time to appreciate yourself. You may not get another chance. A successful life is not measured in accolades but in the moments and seconds in life that can’t be replaced. Breathe. Enjoy all that you’ve accomplished and then relax and release. The best time of your life is right in front of you. Stop chasing what’s next.
Are you incapable of living in the moment? Are you too preoccupied to experience a good cry, a good laugh or good sex? Are you Ms. Can’t Get Enough–What’s Next?
Tags: black women, Confidence, Dreams, Money, Personal Power, Sex, Success