Married to the Myth
Every young girl dreams of happily ever after. They dream of the white wedding and the man that will sweep them off their feet. They look forward to the Vera Wang gown accessorized by a Swarovski crystal stiletto designed by Cinderella herself. The cake – three tiered. The groom: tall, dark and drool worthy. The venue: muy caliente. The wedding night: romantic with a dash of Fifty Shades. The happily ever after: perfect!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Not so fast. For many, what happens in real life is that shortly after the honeymoon, the new bride is confronted with her prince’s dirty laundry, the sound of him farting in bed and the reality that too much home cooked meals has given him a slight belly. Yet all is right in the world. After years of searching for the one, these urban princesses are not about to bitch and moan about the details. But then time passes. Except for the digital pics, the white wedding is a distant memory. The prince has gotten complacent, neglectful and slightly more portly. There are kids, college, mortgages and bank loans. There are days that go by without goodnight kisses; I love you’s or expressions of passion and tenderness. The wedding was beautiful but the marriage is work and hubby dearest has forgotten to punch his time card. Is it time to throw in the towel? Love, like all living things, cannot flourish in an environment of neglect. For it to flourish it has to be watered with kindness, kissed with warmth and tended diligently to make sure that weeds don’t choke it to death. If the love is gone or has been put on the bench to sit, that’s because someone in the relationship succumbed to the marriage myth. The myth that the person you married will stay the same, the vows you’ve made will never be broken and the commitment you made will never be tested. The strongest couples, the ones that make it through the day-to-day, understand this: relationships require labor intensive, back-breaking hours or dedication and sweat.
Has love gone on hiatus, vacation or has reported itself missing to the cops? Do you still love your spouse or are you over it? Is happily ever after a reality or is forever a myth?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Cheating, Divorce, Love, Marriage, Relationships
In the Army Now: Sergeants & Soldiers
“Black women naturally have flavor. We’re spicy like a scorching pot of gumbo simmering on the stove with the flame turned up too high.” Quote from the book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win: Dating, Relationship & Self-Help for Single Sisters
Mom is the Sergeant and General in many families and her kids are her dutiful soldiers. This woman in authority barks out orders and expects to be immediately obeyed. She lays down the law as the primary caregiver and will not tolerate any disobedience. As is common with powerful women, we fear and revere her. We understand without being told that she’s the HNIC – Head Negro in Charge. She’s the squadron chief and the official team leader. Like the most terrifying drill sergeant, mom is not to be messed with. In single-parent households this woman of steel is our only role model so by default many women grow up mimicking their mom’s ways. While her leadership style may be effective in rearing kids, it doesn’t go over so well in relationships. Trying to get your significant other to be about it, do what he’s told and ask how high when we say leap, probably won’t get us married. Strangely, it’s the women who have mastered the art of subtly that most often get the ring. These are the ladies who lead in absentia. Translation? They are the women that lead but make their men feel like they’re the captain of the ship. Masterful or manipulative? Can’t really say, you decide. For the rest of us who haven’t grasped the art of subterfuge, the absence of male role models and healthy examples of cooperative relationships, make us naturally want to take charge. We’ve been taught to be independent and we’re often unwilling to relinquish control. When we get into relationships we discover to our horror that love isn’t a dictatorship; it’s a democracy. Holy hell! What the heck. What now? Give him the wheel and see if he knows how to steer. Practice makes perfect.
Evidence suggests that no matter how capable, self-sufficient and independent we are as women, men are not interested in sleeping with the Master and Chief. In a battle with an enemy or worthy opponent (life), most men will choose to have a dedicated soldier by their side over even the most decorated General. Instinctively men want to protect and nurture us. For experimental purposes we’ll let them and see if the journey ends at the altar.
Have women of today forgotten who’s in charge? As Sergeants in the Army of Life can we demote ourselves to Soldiers and let love lead?
Tags: Army, Bad Habits, Battle, Black Love, black women, Dating, Let Love Lead, Love, Marriage, Master and Chief, Relationships, Soldiers
Desperately Seeking Someone
Valentine’s Day recently passed and that has caused some women to turn the depression dial up to full blast. Sitting at home night after night dateless and isolated from the opposite sex has caused some women to lose it – snap. I’m not surprised. The Bible says: it’s not good that man should be alone. I, for one, never argue with anything the good book says. Some overly independent women claim to enjoy their alone time and vigorously debate anyone who dares to question whether they truly enjoy spending that much time by themselves. Personally, I don’t question their sincerity, if a woman claims to love being alone, I’m not here to say nay. I do contend, however; that at a basic level all people crave some form of human and emotional contact. When the desire is lacking or has been extinguished, then what we see are people who are hardened, brittle and cold. Not a good look.
On the flip though, there are instances when that very human need for male companionship turns self-destructive. There are times when the need to be desired and loved leads some of us down some potentially dangerous paths. In these instances, common sense takes a back seat, the internal dialogue of truth goes on a hiatus and the voice of God is drowned out by the cries for a man’s taste and touch. As women, we get desperate when it seems that Mr. Marry Me won’t appear. Is he late or lost? Did he take a wrong turn? Waiting for the one, seems counter-intuitive and impractical so we decide to take things into our own hands. We grow desperate and begin an all-out campaign to find someone, anyone, to fill the void, the emptiness, and to occupy the empty relationship space. In this mindset of desperation, we chose men who are inappropriate, unavailable and/or uninterested. We try to make the booty call brother into the ideal mate, we try to save marriages that cannot be saved, and we try to make the unmarriageable into the man of our dreams. It can’t be done. To get spiritual on my readers, trust me when I say that God has a plan. He has a strategy, a blueprint and schematic with our lives mapped out. If things have gone haywire and swerved off course, that’s because we didn’t take Carrie Underwood’s advice and let Jesus, Take The Wheel. We decided instead to steer that bad boy ourselves. Sometimes we have to Let Go and Let God.
Producing the man worthy of a lifetime of our love may seem to take an eternity but it’s our job to live with a spirit of expectation. We must prepare our mind and body to receive. Stop watching the train and the bus for the man we were promised. He will appear. He may not be around the corner but he’s down the street. God gifts the heart with all it desires when that heart is ready to receive. Don’t be desperate. Be selective and let God steer.
Are you lonely, unloved and so tired of waiting for the one that you’re ready to call it quits? Is desperately seeking someone to fill the void making you love sick?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Faith, God, Lonely, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships, spirituality
Love By Due Date
To hear Tina Turner tell the story, love is just a second-hand emotion. But is it? If love is played out, old school and for the birds, then why all the Valentine’s Day fuss? Why do women hold their breath every February 14th with the hope that the man they love will go down on bended knee, will appear at the house with a bouquet of flowers or will whisper those three little words destined to make them wild and wet? Why do men get dumped, kicked to the curb, dismissed and dissed on V-day more than any other day of the year?
Riddle me this, would Valentine’s Day have as much significance if women were getting the love they think they deserve throughout the year? Me thinks not. The importance of the day is amplified when women are the recipients of lukewarm or tepid demonstrations of love for the remaining 364 days. If women are dissatisfied and discontented in their relationship, then come February, the brother they profess to love better come with. There better be the kick ass restaurant with the violinist playing a love ballad slightly off key. There better be a small box wrapped and left on the bed with something spectacular that blinks and sparkles between the tissue paper folds. There better be more than an edible thong and flavored condoms awaiting the lady in question when she steps through the front door of her home. Death and destruction awaits any man who hasn’t done his job for the past couple of months and thinks a Hallmark card and a box of chocolate hearts will do.
Granted, the dudes have it rough. Valentine’s Day is enough to make the average man sweat. At his wife’s job, he has to outdo the co-worker whose man sent her two dozen roses, the guy from the 2nd floor who bathed the kids and sent his lady to the spa; he has to refrain from beating to death his neighbor who chose the 14th as the perfect day to propose. If he wants to even have a prayer of seeing any bed action, his behavior on a single day has to inspire envy and awe from one and all. It’s tough.
In this writer’s humble opinion, love cannot be scheduled. I think couples shouldn’t wait for Valentine’s Day to demonstrate their affection. In the middle of November, let the love bell ring. In January, anticipate words of rapture from your man straight out of the Love Jones script. In May, expect to be delighted and excited by flowers beautiful enough to put roses in your cheeks. Love can never be past due.
Should love be measured by the tick of the clock or by stop watch? Does the calendar make love great? Should love have a due by date?
Tags: Black Love, Break-ups, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships, Valentine's Day
Live Author Reading of the Book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win
The Don’t Let The White Girl Win book launch in Toronto, Ontario was an amazing success. Stephanie Small did a live reading onstage in front of an engaged and lively crowd. Reading from her self-help guide for single sisters, the excerpt wowed the crowd. Drawing from her own personal experience, the book which is part memoir, part satire and part cultural analysis, the Super Sistah proves why her self-help guide is just what black women need to find love, find success and find their way back to happiness.
Check out the video here:
Tags: Betrayal, Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Self-Confidence
Guess what, Super? I’ve found a man!
Word? (I love when I get a chance to say that.)
Yup, he’s good between the sheets, he’s kind and I think we’re on our way to being in love.
Your man-less drought has come to an end. Thank you, Lord! (She’ll now buy a lot less batteries.)
I know, I’m sooo excited! (Her voice goes up one octave in glee.)
Where did you meet him? (I want to know so me and all my friends can go there.)
Oh. (My excitement fades considerably.)
He has a good job, he’s cute and he’s interested in marriage.(Which means she’s already tried on his last name for size.)
That’s great news, Heather. (And it is, because Heather’s blonde hair, green eyes and kick ass corporate job hasn’t made finding love any easier.)
It’s better than great, it’s awesome. Now we just have to find the right guy for you. (She’s not being snarky, she’s being sincere.)
Still perky, happy and over-the-moon, Heather disconnects and is gone.
The interchange with one of my BFFs leaves me with a question in my mind. Is dating online not for black girls? I ask this because Heather’s story is not unique. Many of my non-black friends have found love in cyberspace. In contrast, the single sistahs journey into the dating dot-com world has been riddled with horror stories more terrifying than the movie Scream.
On the popular BlackPeopleMeet.com, eHarmony and PlentyofFish, the success rates have been hit or miss. On these sites that draw the dark and delicious, the ladies of my acquaintance have found the dude with ten baby mothers, the freakazoid out for nothing but some tail, and the guy that is married but has found the Internet an effective way to cheat on his wife.
While the trials of my sistah-friends looking for love online may be a tad bit overstated, this much is true; only a few of the fortunate ones have crossed cultural lines and found love and interracial bliss. Only a lucky few have found Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome and happily went off to jump the broom. Generally, they, unlike my “other” girlfriends, did not find the executive, the nature enthusiast or the dude who has an open heart and a grammatically correct personal profile. For the vast majority, the PC and their profile has produced only disappointing results.
So I ask my readers in all sincerity, is dating dot-com NOT for the Dark & Lovely? The jury is still out.
Tags: Black Love, black women, computer love, Dating, internet, Love, Marriage, Men, Online Dating, Race
Kissing Ken Syndrome
My mother bought me a Barbie Doll when I was seven and from the moment I met the busty blonde I knew she and I were destined to find deep everlasting love. I was half right. That year I began my quest to make Barbie appealing to the opposite sex with an array of outfits & hairstyles. Just when I’d exhausted my childish mind with ideas to make my doll beautiful, my mom did the unthinkable, she bought my Barbie a mate. Ken had wide shoulders, an impossibly small waist and muscles. Even if I couldn’t fully appreciate his masculine beauty back then, one thing was for sure, Barbie and this guy was going to have some fun. B/K (Barbie & Ken) were the perfect couple, they were exclusive, openly demonstrative and sexually creative behind closed doors (in seven-year-old terms this meant I placed Ken beside Barbie and left him there).
It was obvious to all of B/K’s friends, Kung-Fu Grip G.I Joe, Wonder Woman and Smurfette, that they were in love. The love between this genetically gifted couple lasted for years and flourished into the kind of relationship most little girls dream about: happily ever after, genetically blessed children, the perfect pink two-story house and Ken looking at Barbie with opened eyed adoration for years to come. This is the reality all women should expect. Ahh… yeah, right.
For perpetually single and lonely women, the reason for their single-lady-ness is called Kissing Ken Syndrome. Still trapped in childhood, many women fantasize about Ken but in grownup terms. He must have the same hot convertible, must spend hours in the gym, must carry a briefcase and all other women must want him. If real life Ken has acne, questionable credit or is still in possession of his college Futon, then he’s shit out of luck. People ask me for advice about men all the time and it’s all I can do to keep my thoughts to myself. When I ask them what they’re looking for I expect answers that show up routinely on my list:
- Faithful and honest
- Trustworthy and committed
- Good to me and for me
- Loves the Lord
- Is financially stable and ambitious
- Loves me as I am
- Has potential to be a good father, mate and friend
- Self-assured, smart and mentally tough
Of course this list has potential to be pages deep, but these are my core needs. Core meaning integral, all important and the key to the survival of our relationship. When I ask the seemingly innocuous question, what do you want in a man? From women I’ve gotten lists comprised of the following:
- Must have a car
- Must workout 4-5 times a week
- Must have an advanced degree
- Must be hot, cute and smokin’
- Must have significant savings in the bank
- Must be over 6’ feet tall
- Must have “equipment” over 8 inches in length (Good luck)
With these impossible expectations women cry when their expectations are not met and they’re all alone. The dude who meets all the expectations on a 25 point checklist wants his female equivalent. His comparative list leaves most women waiting in the shade. Can we expect a man with perfect pecs and biceps if we haven’t seen the inside of a gym in years? Can we expect perfect credit when the bank shreds our application when we request a credit card? If we are only averaging 6 out of 10 on the beauty scale, can we expect a man who looks like he could star in his own beauty commercial?
Are women of today grown-up Barbie dolls looking for their real-life Ken?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships
To Catch a Cougar
The Super is not a fan of bear cubs, puppies, baby rabbits or anything requiring training, constant attention and care, but whoa Nelly! Recently I saw a picture of J.LO and her boy toy Casper Smart and I had to do a double take. When Jenny from the Block was with Mark Anthony she looked miserable and morose. Fast forward a scandalously short period of time and Jenny looks happy and hot. Wasn’t she supposed to follow the script? While her ex moved on to a much younger woman after their split, wasn’t she was supposed to clutch desperately to her youth while growing old, out of shape and alone? In the new millennium women are fighting back. They say that 40 is the new 20 and women of a certain age are refusing to languish man-less and dateless while they say goodbye to their youth.
Men like their women tender and now women like their men tasty. Madonna, J.Lo and Halle Berry to name a few are showing older women how it’s done. It’s time for the big payback. Now older woman are going for the fun factor by ditching men with erectile dysfunction and finding themselves little boy toys to love. Will these relationships last? I can’t say but I commend the cougars with their young men for not rolling up into a ball and calling it quits. If their fit and fabulous with abs and butts of steel, then why not show these young men what they’re working with? Looking good and feeling good is the best revenge.
While the Super likes her men somewhat seasoned I can acknowledge that there are benefits to dating young men. Such as:
- They say 40% of men over 40 have erectile dysfunction issues. Young men? Not so much. They are mini Stallions and they are ready to gallop at full speed.
- They have stamina for days. Can someone say first, second and third round?
- They are fun and remind the serious career woman how to let loose.
- They are open to new things and everything is a thrill.
- They are willing to be tutored, taught and educated and are not yet set in their ways.
- They are good for the ego. When they think their women look good they tell her so often.
- They are nice to look at. They are young, firm and fabulous from all angles.
The Super is no celebrity and is not in possession of a body that won’t quit. If I was, would I date a man young enough to be my nephew? Can’t say, but I do believe that being happy keeps women looking as fresh as little girls.
Is it better to ride an aging Stallion or break in a fresh new pony? Like men, should every Cougar catch and capture something wild and young?
Tags: Confidence, Cougar, Dating, Jennifer Lopez, Love, Relationships, Sex, Super-Heroes
Battle of the Sexes – Mister versus Missus
Despite 5 inch heels that can crack backs and shatter a short man’s ego, in spite of six-figure incomes ballin enough to make the blue collar brother cry, and contrary to the societal shift that has put some sisters in the driver’s seat, still, after years of evolution, women still haven’t changed. No matter how powerful and professional a woman may seem on the outside, she still wants a man with strength and with cojones of steel (figuratively that is, literally might be a tad unsightly).
Enough already with the question, ‘can I kiss you?’ If you have to ask then the answer is probably NO! Take the kiss already and be done with it! Rejection, the occasional slap for presumptuousness, is a part of life. All the heehawing, feet shuffling and hand ringing is enough to drive a strong woman crazy. Men must remember their caveman roots and take charge. I’m not saying to headlock and drag a woman off to some dark place by her hair, but if she has to instruct, teach and perform tutorials on how to woe and win her then her interest has probably already waned. You’ve lost, so long sucker. Hit the Road Jack cause she won’t be coming back no more, no more, no more, no more. Hit the road jack… sorry the tune got stuck in my head and I got sidetracked. The point I’m trying to make is that the feeble, the weak-willed and the fearful have no chance in the battle of the sexes. If the article I read recently is correct and 40% of households are now headed by female breadwinners, then things are bout’ to change. Who Runs the World? Girls apparently. How does the old school dude compete with women who are bringing the heat?
A bit of advice for my male readers, although some women won’t agree with me, I say bring it back to the biblical days. Get your Adam on before the unfortunate snake. Be almighty like my man Moses on the mountaintop. Direct and lead like bad boy Noah showing the beasts of the earth who’s boss. Attracting women is all about swagger, strength and steel. If you have to ask, plead and persuade then you have no chance. Power and personality are attractive to women no matter the amount of loot she might be packing in her purse. If a man fears failure and is easily intimidated then the next woman he meets he should ask her if she has a pair of panties she can spare. God gifted men with testosterone for a reason. Come to the love battle prepared to win.
If both the man and the woman wears the pants in the relationship then who’s boss?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Careers, God, Love, Marriage, Men, Money, Relationships, Super-Heroes, winning
the Super Sistah remembers Whitney Houston (Vlog)
Can marrying the wrong person ruin your life? The Masked Crusader, the Super Sistah discusses her new blog post, Death by Ex. While reflecting on the death of Whitney Houston she asks her readers whether loving the wrong man can be a woman’s downfall? Post a response here. R.I.P Whitney, we’ll miss you.
the Super Sistah on Whitney Houston
Tags: Black Love, black women, Bobby Brown, Break-ups, Dating, Death by Ex, Family, God, Marriage, Men, Spiritual, Super-Heroes, Whitney Houston death, Whitney Houston funeral
Death by Ex
Can the wrong man ruin your life? Yeah, he can! Recently Pop Diva Whitney Houston went home to meet her Lord. The lyrics, “I get so emotional, baby, every time I think of you” was set on replay when I heard. I don’t pretend to know what goes on in the personal lives of celebrities, but as far as downward spirals go, I think Whitney’s began shortly after her husband put his diamond on her left.
Tags: Black Love, black women, Bobby Brown, Break-ups, God, Marriage, Men, Music, Relationships, Spiritual, Super-Heroes, Whitney Houston death, Whitney Houston funeral
Back in the day if a man loved a woman he gave her father a horse, a cow and two mules. In them days, the price of your “PRECIOUS” to quote Gollum, cost a damn sight more than some chocolates and a Hallmark card. Men understood that for the benefit of a lady’s time he had to put in some work. He earned her affection through the persistent pursuit of her heart. Fast forward a century and now some men have forgotten what love is about. On Valentine’s, which is the most romantic day of the year, stats show that most couple’s end up succumbing to what I call a Total Eclipse of the Heart. To translate Bonnie Tyler’s song into layman terms, it means that love fades to black. When women should be shaking the sheets on the 14th, instead, most are showing their men the curb. I don’t have a Ph.D. in Sexual Healing but there is a reason for the fallout.
Tags: Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Self-Confidence, Sex, Super-Heroes, Valentine's Day