Mind Magick ~ Culture Freedom Radio Interviews the Super Sistah
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships
Lady Love Interviews Stephanie Small aka the Super SistahRead More
Tags: Black Love, black women, blogtalkradio, Dating, Love, Marriage, Men, Podcasts, Radio Shows, Relationships
Married to the Myth
Every young girl dreams of happily ever after. They dream of the white wedding and the man that will sweep them off their feet. They look forward to the Vera Wang gown accessorized by a Swarovski crystal stiletto designed by Cinderella herself. The cake – three tiered. The groom: tall, dark and drool worthy. The venue: muy caliente. The wedding night: romantic with a dash of Fifty Shades. The happily ever after: perfect!
Tsk, tsk, tsk. Not so fast. For many, what happens in real life is that shortly after the honeymoon, the new bride is confronted with her prince’s dirty laundry, the sound of him farting in bed and the reality that too much home cooked meals has given him a slight belly. Yet all is right in the world. After years of searching for the one, these urban princesses are not about to bitch and moan about the details. But then time passes. Except for the digital pics, the white wedding is a distant memory. The prince has gotten complacent, neglectful and slightly more portly. There are kids, college, mortgages and bank loans. There are days that go by without goodnight kisses; I love you’s or expressions of passion and tenderness. The wedding was beautiful but the marriage is work and hubby dearest has forgotten to punch his time card. Is it time to throw in the towel? Love, like all living things, cannot flourish in an environment of neglect. For it to flourish it has to be watered with kindness, kissed with warmth and tended diligently to make sure that weeds don’t choke it to death. If the love is gone or has been put on the bench to sit, that’s because someone in the relationship succumbed to the marriage myth. The myth that the person you married will stay the same, the vows you’ve made will never be broken and the commitment you made will never be tested. The strongest couples, the ones that make it through the day-to-day, understand this: relationships require labor intensive, back-breaking hours or dedication and sweat.
Has love gone on hiatus, vacation or has reported itself missing to the cops? Do you still love your spouse or are you over it? Is happily ever after a reality or is forever a myth?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Cheating, Divorce, Love, Marriage, Relationships
Birthday Cake Blues
Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Caller: My birthday cake is on fire.
Operator: Ma’am, stop calling here.
Tomorrow is my birthday. When my friends asked me how I felt about yet another year added to my age, I answered: I ain’t dead yet. I didn’t say greaatttttt, like cereal box Tony the Tiger. I didn’t happily clap my hands like an excited 10 year old. I didn’t answer with anything resembling enthusiasm. I wasn’t a toddler with a cake adorned with 2 little twinkling lights signaling a life that is fresh and new. Lighting my candles was borderline arson that threatened to burn my house down around my ears. With my luck the fire department would send Fire Marshall Bill to extinguish the blaze. Yeehaa, it’s my birthday. (Mouth formed in a hard line of sarcasm)
Apparently, I’m far from ecstatic. What is the source of this discontent you’re wondering? For people in hospital rooms fighting for life and breath, my attitude is borderline sacrilege. I have my health, a career and people who love me, what in God’s name did I have to complain about? What was with the discontent? Why was I both pouty and perturbed? I didn’t want to celebrate. Like Valentine’s Day for girls who are perpetually single, I just wanted it to be over. Be gone, Birthday! Be gone!
What was at the heart of this gloom that had fallen over my head and left my spirits in eternal mist? I investigated the source and the answer was right there. I didn’t feel like I had everything. Sure I had a book, a career and friends. But where the heck was the white picket fence; the impossibly tall husband with the broad chest? Where was the house full of kids that all looked curiously like the Jacksons? Janet, baby, go back to sleep, mama will be there soon. I wanted it all, deserved it all and boy was I tired of waiting. In a fit of pique I fired off an emotional text to The Most High.
From: the Super Sistah
To: The Lord – Almighty
Subject: It’s my Birthday – WHAT THE HELL!
I hope this text finds you well. That’s it for small talk! Yesterday, last year, five years ago and when I was sixteen, I prayed and asked you to send me a family. Where they at, Lord! Where? I’m tired of waiting. You are supposed to be the almighty, right? Grab some clay and build me something. Trust in me? I’ve been done trusting. I’m tired and I’m fed up. Why you keep sending me these knuckleheads with issues, father? If we attract what we are, what you trying to say, Lord? I know I ain’t crazy.
Look up Stephanie in the dictionary and under my pic it says, she who is anointed and blessed. So stop playing. I’m your daughter and I’m sick and tired of these antics.
Real talk? I’m giving you another year, two tops, and then I might have to build some things my own damn self. Yes, I ‘m blaspheming. SO what!
Don’t respond, G.O.D. It’s my birthday. I gotta go and cry into my cake so I can extinguish the candles.
Peace out, Jehovah, Prince of Peace. AKA – Lil’ Dove.
Signed, the Super Sistah
BTW – I ain’t dead yet. Thanks for that. Deuces!
Sent from SS iPhone –– 3/28/2013
Is our happiness based on what we don’t have or lack instead of what we’ve been given with grace? Does the birthday card of life deserve to be signed with a sad face?
Tags: Age, Birthdays, black women, God, Identity, Self-Confidence
In the Army Now: Sergeants & Soldiers
“Black women naturally have flavor. We’re spicy like a scorching pot of gumbo simmering on the stove with the flame turned up too high.” Quote from the book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win: Dating, Relationship & Self-Help for Single Sisters
Mom is the Sergeant and General in many families and her kids are her dutiful soldiers. This woman in authority barks out orders and expects to be immediately obeyed. She lays down the law as the primary caregiver and will not tolerate any disobedience. As is common with powerful women, we fear and revere her. We understand without being told that she’s the HNIC – Head Negro in Charge. She’s the squadron chief and the official team leader. Like the most terrifying drill sergeant, mom is not to be messed with. In single-parent households this woman of steel is our only role model so by default many women grow up mimicking their mom’s ways. While her leadership style may be effective in rearing kids, it doesn’t go over so well in relationships. Trying to get your significant other to be about it, do what he’s told and ask how high when we say leap, probably won’t get us married. Strangely, it’s the women who have mastered the art of subtly that most often get the ring. These are the ladies who lead in absentia. Translation? They are the women that lead but make their men feel like they’re the captain of the ship. Masterful or manipulative? Can’t really say, you decide. For the rest of us who haven’t grasped the art of subterfuge, the absence of male role models and healthy examples of cooperative relationships, make us naturally want to take charge. We’ve been taught to be independent and we’re often unwilling to relinquish control. When we get into relationships we discover to our horror that love isn’t a dictatorship; it’s a democracy. Holy hell! What the heck. What now? Give him the wheel and see if he knows how to steer. Practice makes perfect.
Evidence suggests that no matter how capable, self-sufficient and independent we are as women, men are not interested in sleeping with the Master and Chief. In a battle with an enemy or worthy opponent (life), most men will choose to have a dedicated soldier by their side over even the most decorated General. Instinctively men want to protect and nurture us. For experimental purposes we’ll let them and see if the journey ends at the altar.
Have women of today forgotten who’s in charge? As Sergeants in the Army of Life can we demote ourselves to Soldiers and let love lead?
Tags: Army, Bad Habits, Battle, Black Love, black women, Dating, Let Love Lead, Love, Marriage, Master and Chief, Relationships, Soldiers
Desperately Seeking Someone
Valentine’s Day recently passed and that has caused some women to turn the depression dial up to full blast. Sitting at home night after night dateless and isolated from the opposite sex has caused some women to lose it – snap. I’m not surprised. The Bible says: it’s not good that man should be alone. I, for one, never argue with anything the good book says. Some overly independent women claim to enjoy their alone time and vigorously debate anyone who dares to question whether they truly enjoy spending that much time by themselves. Personally, I don’t question their sincerity, if a woman claims to love being alone, I’m not here to say nay. I do contend, however; that at a basic level all people crave some form of human and emotional contact. When the desire is lacking or has been extinguished, then what we see are people who are hardened, brittle and cold. Not a good look.
On the flip though, there are instances when that very human need for male companionship turns self-destructive. There are times when the need to be desired and loved leads some of us down some potentially dangerous paths. In these instances, common sense takes a back seat, the internal dialogue of truth goes on a hiatus and the voice of God is drowned out by the cries for a man’s taste and touch. As women, we get desperate when it seems that Mr. Marry Me won’t appear. Is he late or lost? Did he take a wrong turn? Waiting for the one, seems counter-intuitive and impractical so we decide to take things into our own hands. We grow desperate and begin an all-out campaign to find someone, anyone, to fill the void, the emptiness, and to occupy the empty relationship space. In this mindset of desperation, we chose men who are inappropriate, unavailable and/or uninterested. We try to make the booty call brother into the ideal mate, we try to save marriages that cannot be saved, and we try to make the unmarriageable into the man of our dreams. It can’t be done. To get spiritual on my readers, trust me when I say that God has a plan. He has a strategy, a blueprint and schematic with our lives mapped out. If things have gone haywire and swerved off course, that’s because we didn’t take Carrie Underwood’s advice and let Jesus, Take The Wheel. We decided instead to steer that bad boy ourselves. Sometimes we have to Let Go and Let God.
Producing the man worthy of a lifetime of our love may seem to take an eternity but it’s our job to live with a spirit of expectation. We must prepare our mind and body to receive. Stop watching the train and the bus for the man we were promised. He will appear. He may not be around the corner but he’s down the street. God gifts the heart with all it desires when that heart is ready to receive. Don’t be desperate. Be selective and let God steer.
Are you lonely, unloved and so tired of waiting for the one that you’re ready to call it quits? Is desperately seeking someone to fill the void making you love sick?
Tags: Black Love, black women, Dating, Faith, God, Lonely, Love, Marriage, Men, Relationships, spirituality
Live Author Reading of the Book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win
The Don’t Let The White Girl Win book launch in Toronto, Ontario was an amazing success. Stephanie Small did a live reading onstage in front of an engaged and lively crowd. Reading from her self-help guide for single sisters, the excerpt wowed the crowd. Drawing from her own personal experience, the book which is part memoir, part satire and part cultural analysis, the Super Sistah proves why her self-help guide is just what black women need to find love, find success and find their way back to happiness.
Check out the video here:
Tags: Betrayal, Black Love, black women, Break-ups, Dating, Love, Relationships, Self-Confidence
Guess what, Super? I’ve found a man!
Word? (I love when I get a chance to say that.)
Yup, he’s good between the sheets, he’s kind and I think we’re on our way to being in love.
Your man-less drought has come to an end. Thank you, Lord! (She’ll now buy a lot less batteries.)
I know, I’m sooo excited! (Her voice goes up one octave in glee.)
Where did you meet him? (I want to know so me and all my friends can go there.)
Oh. (My excitement fades considerably.)
He has a good job, he’s cute and he’s interested in marriage.(Which means she’s already tried on his last name for size.)
That’s great news, Heather. (And it is, because Heather’s blonde hair, green eyes and kick ass corporate job hasn’t made finding love any easier.)
It’s better than great, it’s awesome. Now we just have to find the right guy for you. (She’s not being snarky, she’s being sincere.)
Still perky, happy and over-the-moon, Heather disconnects and is gone.
The interchange with one of my BFFs leaves me with a question in my mind. Is dating online not for black girls? I ask this because Heather’s story is not unique. Many of my non-black friends have found love in cyberspace. In contrast, the single sistahs journey into the dating dot-com world has been riddled with horror stories more terrifying than the movie Scream.
On the popular BlackPeopleMeet.com, eHarmony and PlentyofFish, the success rates have been hit or miss. On these sites that draw the dark and delicious, the ladies of my acquaintance have found the dude with ten baby mothers, the freakazoid out for nothing but some tail, and the guy that is married but has found the Internet an effective way to cheat on his wife.
While the trials of my sistah-friends looking for love online may be a tad bit overstated, this much is true; only a few of the fortunate ones have crossed cultural lines and found love and interracial bliss. Only a lucky few have found Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome and happily went off to jump the broom. Generally, they, unlike my “other” girlfriends, did not find the executive, the nature enthusiast or the dude who has an open heart and a grammatically correct personal profile. For the vast majority, the PC and their profile has produced only disappointing results.
So I ask my readers in all sincerity, is dating dot-com NOT for the Dark & Lovely? The jury is still out.
Tags: Black Love, black women, computer love, Dating, internet, Love, Marriage, Men, Online Dating, Race
Getting Wiggy With It
I am not my hair. I am not this skin. I am not your expectations. I am the soul that lives within. India Arie – I Am Not My Hair
Speaking from the standpoint of a woman who has no clue what her natural hair looks like, I hesitate to jump in feet first to the natural versus processed hair debate. I’m in no position to judge what a woman wants to do with her wig, weave, locks or tresses. Recently, however; I had a brief debate with a gentleman who told me that women who are natural are less influenced by the man and are more in touch with their Africaness. Ahh, okay. While my picture has never graced the cover of the Dark & Lovely box and I’ve never been photographed pro Panther with an Afro pick in my hair and my fist raised, I’m still a sister to the core. Sadly, it seems I don’t have the hair to prove it.
I dig my sisters sporting the fro, the loose wave, the all-out kink and the buzz cut. That they have embraced their beauty outside of the Yaki versus Remy hair war–it cost $200 for a decent weavologist to take my hair from Badu to Beyoncé blood feud—I’ve been at the hairstylist for three hours trying to torture my hair beautiful power struggle, is great. I admire the Shea butter, coconut oil and Miss Jessie Pudding wearing sisters. I do not, however; bestow them with an instant American Express All Black card of consciousness because their hair is kinky and mine is straight. No can do. I know natural ladies who have never read, much less written a book. I know women sporting an Afro for the mere reason that the perm made all their hair fall out. They are not addicted to the creamy crack based on any political stance. To say so would be ludicrous. While natural and beautiful, these women are neither less nor more blacker than me. Naturalness is a choice, a decision, a lifestyle change and I dig it. But I Am Not My Hair and a woman’s hair is not the sum of her parts. I have 99 problems but my relaxer ain’t one.
One day I will leave the lure of the pressing comb, the perm and the flat iron behind. I will not be drawn to the long ponytail to supposedly validate my existence. I will reject the establishment and go full-fledged I’m natural and a woman hear me roar. Not today though, today I have to go to work and the gas bill is due.
Does it make sense to divide women based on natural versus straight, dark-skinned versus light-skinned or field versus house chick? Can the processed and the permed sister still call herself black, conscious and African if she’s still Getting Wiggy With It?
Tags: Black Hair, black women, Identity, India Arie, Natural Hair, Weaves, Wigs
Don’t Let The White Girl Win Toronto Book Launch
On Saturday, November 24th @ 227 Lounge, I had such an amazing turn out at the Toronto Launch of the Self-Help Guide for Single Sisters entitled: Don’t Let The White Girl Win. So glad that despite the outrageous and controversial title both men and women came out to support the project fully accepting that you should never judge a book by its cover. Many came to celebrate, ask questions, mingle and buy more books than I could have hoped for.
Thanks everyone for your tremendous support. If you missed the launch but heard all the positive vibes flowing my way and would like to purchase a copy. Get one here or here or directly from the publisher here.
My fans and friends are truly Super. Thanks everyone.
LIKE the book here: www.facebook.com/DontLetTheWhiteGirlWin
Tags: Black Love, black women, Book Launch, Dating, Interracial, Love, Marriage, Men, Sex
Ms.Can’t Get Enough
I want it. Got to have it. Need it bad. Can’t get enough. The Super, me, Stephanie to my friends, can now say that I’m a success. I’m an author, officially. Not only a blogger whose words were one hack job away from obscurity or whose written legacy was at the mercy of my web host’s control-freak grip. Now my words and thoughts have moved offline and are forever captured for posterity in print. Yeah. Hooray. Gold star for me you think? Nein (No in German), non (No in French) and Nee (No in Dutch) and kuzimu hakuna (Hell no in Swahili). I think by now you get my point in whatever language you happen to speak.
Like me, lots of women of my acquaintance are very accomplished. They have a great career, a bad ass crib and enough clothes and shoes to inspire envy. They should be happy and for the most part they are, but like some women are nymphomaniacs who can’t get enough sex, some women are success nymphos who can’t get enough of the next. Like reggae singer I Wayne sings, Can’t satisfy her. She needs more wood for the fire. The fire for more that burns in some women is like a disease. Not unlike the euphoria a good orgasm brings, for some the rush of being at their best doesn’t last past the dying embers of the post coital cigarette. Inhale in and exhale out, now what bridge can be built, what ladder can be climbed, what bear can she fight with her bare hands and win? Lord Jesus, can you please calm down and chill! For these women I’m sharing the sound of my internal secret-self crying out in distress. The sound is ignored as we turn our attention instead to our To-Do list:
- Conquered the world? No check.
- Found the ideal man? No check.
- As rich as Croesus? No check.
- As fit and diesel as the Jamaican track team chicks? No check, no check, no check.
Sigh, despair and all our previous accomplishments are blown to bits. For indulging in this self-destructive nonsense I’m handing out slaps with a closed hand fist. Ladies, take the time to pat yourself on the back. Take the time to appreciate yourself. You may not get another chance. A successful life is not measured in accolades but in the moments and seconds in life that can’t be replaced. Breathe. Enjoy all that you’ve accomplished and then relax and release. The best time of your life is right in front of you. Stop chasing what’s next.
Are you incapable of living in the moment? Are you too preoccupied to experience a good cry, a good laugh or good sex? Are you Ms. Can’t Get Enough–What’s Next?
Tags: black women, Confidence, Dreams, Money, Personal Power, Sex, Success
Dr. Vibe Interviews the Super Sistah “Author Stephanie Small”
Join me on Dr. Vibe’s Radio show tonight as I discuss my new book: Don’t Let The White Girl Win. Dr. Vibe’s show is a podcast for black men & those who love them. It’s a perfect place for a Super Sistah to get her point across.
Tune in and stay tuned @ 9pm EST. Wednesday, November 7, 2012.
Don’t Miss It!
Tags: Blac, Black Love, black women, Dating, Dr.Vibe, Interracial, Interviews, Love, Marriage, Men, Podcasts, Radio Shows, Success