Valentine’s Day recently passed and that has caused some women to turn the depression dial up to full blast. Sitting at home night after night dateless and isolated from the opposite sex has caused some women to lose it – snap. I’m not surprised. The Bible says: it’s not good that man should be alone. I, for one, never argue with anything the good book says. Some overly independent women claim to enjoy their alone time and vigorously debate anyone who dares to question whether they truly enjoy spending that much time by themselves. Personally, I don’t question their sincerity, if a woman claims to love being alone, I’m not here to say nay. I do contend, however; that at a basic level all people crave some form of human and emotional contact. When the desire is lacking or has been extinguished, then what we see are people who are hardened, brittle and cold. Not a good look.

On the flip though, there are instances when that very human need for male companionship turns self-destructive. There are times when the need to be desired and loved leads some of us down some potentially dangerous paths. In these instances, common sense takes a back seat, the internal dialogue of truth goes on a hiatus and the voice of God is drowned out by the cries for a man’s taste and touch. As women, we get desperate when it seems that Mr. Marry Me won’t appear. Is he late or lost? Did he take a wrong turn? Waiting for the one, seems counter-intuitive and impractical so we decide to take things into our own hands. We grow desperate and begin an all-out campaign to find someone, anyone, to fill the void, the emptiness, and to occupy the empty relationship space. In this mindset of desperation, we chose men who are inappropriate, unavailable and/or uninterested. We try to make the booty call brother into the ideal mate, we try to save marriages that cannot be saved, and we try to make the unmarriageable into the man of our dreams. It can’t be done. To get spiritual on my readers, trust me when I say that God has a plan. He has a strategy, a blueprint and schematic with our lives mapped out. If things have gone haywire and swerved off course, that’s because we didn’t take Carrie Underwood’s advice and let Jesus, Take The Wheel. We decided instead to steer that bad boy ourselves. Sometimes we have to Let Go and Let God.

Producing the man worthy of a lifetime of our love may seem to take an eternity but it’s our job to live with a spirit of expectation. We must prepare our mind and body to receive. Stop watching the train and the bus for the man we were promised. He will appear. He may not be around the corner but he’s down the street. God gifts the heart with all it desires when that heart is ready to receive. Don’t be desperate. Be selective and let God steer.

Are you lonely, unloved and so tired of waiting for the one that you’re ready to call it quits? Is desperately seeking someone to fill the void making you love sick?

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he?” For those who haven’t read their Bible since the dark ages, no it wasn’t Yoda who said that, it was the Lord. I  don’t personally possess a Masters in Divinity but if this quote is correct then I should already be rich, thin, vastly intelligent and immune to insult and insecurity? Let me do a quick mental rundown of my bank account, my profile and my mindset.  Nope, if this was a test I would get an F for fail. Now I personally believe that both the Force and the Lord is with me. I wonder why then my thoughts haven’t manifested into a house on the hills and a Bentley?  Could it be that like most human beings my positive thoughts are combined with ones filled with doubt and negativity?

Our lives are often a direct reflection of what we think about regularly. If we dominate our thoughts with feelings of fear and anxiety then how can thoughts of abundance abound?  They cannot.  Light is a powerful force but it can’t fight the darkness without our help. If we want all the things promised to us then we must ask ourselves these questions:

• What are our first thoughts of the day? (Reflections on the past?  A replay of failed relationships? A catalog and mental list of mistakes made?)
• What do we say to ourselves when we look in the mirror? (I’m getting old or fat. I’m unattractive and out of shape? I’m not as pretty or smart as I used to be.)
• What do we say to ourselves when someone criticizes us? (They’re probably right. Maybe they know something I don’t know. Is it me?)
• What are the thoughts that run through our minds most often? (I’m not good enough. I’m not lovable. I’ll never make it or get to where I need to be.)

Positive thoughts need nourishment.  Like hot house flowers our image of ourselves and our feelings of personal power cannot flourish without attention, concentrated effort and care.  Before we can convince others that we are exceptional we have to first convince ourselves.  We have to get drunk on Jedi Juice which is a concoction made up of mental strength, visualization and discipline.  If we are what we think we are then we must think big.  The downtrodden and the defeated drink disappointment and fail while the ambitious drink Jedi Juice and win!

What is your drink of choice? Are you getting drunk off of your accomplishments or are you inebriated with your inability to succeed?

Recently someone close to my heart went home to meet his Beloved.  He was here today and then gone like a raging flame suffocated by a lack of oxygen. When precious things are taken from us we wonder about the purpose of life and whether God has a plan. We ask ourselves, is there a point to all of this and what does it all mean? We ask knowing that we’ll never know for sure.  If we believe in a higher power we question whether the almighty is a naughty child with a doll with our likeness in one hand and a long piercing needle in his other fist.  Are our lives a prank? Why are we here? Even as we wrestle with our doubts, most of us cling to the belief that our lives have significance.  Instead of a mean spirited child we conjure images of God as a chess master devising plans and strategies too complex for mere mortals to understand? We use this image to give us comfort as we do our best to put our doubts and fears to rest.

No matter our religious philosophies, the core belief in all of us is that we are here for a reason.  Some of us forget our purpose as weeks and years pass by.  We slip into a coma while still standing on our two feet.  We forget what we were born to do.  Like the movie Inception, we must remind ourselves who we are so that we can awaken from a self-imposed sleep.  Death will come to us all but while we still breathe we must live life with purpose and passion.  Tomorrow may never get here.  The body may return to the earth but those who die fastest are those who live life with regret and dreams unfulfilled.  Look into your heart and examine your life, your pursuits and your passions. Question whether you’re on the right path.  If you were to die tomorrow what impact would you have had? Would you be remembered like a star that burns bright and then disappears? Would your soul live on in the souls of others? Would only the ones closest to you remember your name minutes after the words of prayer and forgetfulness have been read over your shut eyelids?

We must all figure out why we are put on the earth. What is our purpose? We all die but few of us live. Not one of us is promised tomorrow but while we exist we must change our lives and by default our destinies.

Are you alive or are you killing yourself softly by waiting for someone to give you permission to live?

Walk with faith & purpose.

Oprah is off the air but I remember one of the quotes from her final show. She said: The show has taught me that there is a common thread that runs through all of our pain and all of our suffering and that is unworthiness. Not feeling worthy enough to own the life you were created for. What I got from this is that sometimes life deals us some difficult cards and we get disappointed. There are times that despite our greatest effort we don’t get what we want and we get discouraged. We internalize all our setbacks and start feeling like we aren’t worthy of the life we envisioned. We start believing the discouraging people around us that tell us that we want too much and that we can never achieve all that we planned. We try blocking out all of their negative energy but some of it seeps into our pours and strengthens our doubts. As a result, we start singing the black girl blues well enough that  Billy Holiday would have given us the side eye and the oh no she didn’t look.  Like  many of the gifted and blessed, we let depression nip at our heels and allow the spirit of defeat to settle into our souls. What we must remember is that delay is not denial and we can’t give up. If being the best at anything was easy then everyone would be living the life they dreamed. If you choose to be extraordinary then it’s going to take more than wishing on a star and a penny in the wishing well for our ambitions to be more than just fairy tales. If we can dream it then it can be achieved. Don’t give in. Don’t give up. The song of defeat isn’t sexy.

Are you committed to singing a song of success loud enough for God and his angels to hear?

Are you singing the Blues?

My man left me. Quit me.  He slapped a so long sucker on my forehead and kept it moving. He was out so fast that the flame of his departure burned a Roadrunner trail on my behind.  Even if I was Usain doing the 100 meter dash I still couldn’t catch him. He was goooooooooone. I heard the echo of my voice as it bounced off the walls of my abandonment.  I felt like sh*t on a pair of expensive shoes.  He stepped on me and kept on steppin.  Why me? Why Now? Why Lord? The questions in my mind were endless.  Where was a goddamn cliff in New York City when you needed one? There are bridges a plenty (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Triborough) but who the hell has time to climb that high? Not me.  I’m black dammit. I can’t do a swan dive into dirty water.  My hair would get wet.  My black girl’s compromise was to take to my bed with the decision to never ever get up. What was the point? My man cut me and I was bleeding to death.

Then one day I pictured my ex Sitting on Top of the World like Brandy and Mase.  He would be riding high and living large. The idea made me mad. Real mad. I didn’t grab a glock or roll up on him at night and spray his ass with lead–Compton style. Instead I grabbed my best weapon: my pen.   I put all my hurt and disappointment on paper and wrote myself back to life.  I started doing all the things I wanted to do and systematically starting overcoming all my fears. I had already lost everything so I had nothing left to dread. In the transition from the old me to the new I learned that when your life gets turned upside down it’s God’s way of answering prayers.

Nothing happens by accident. My man left me. Thank you Lord.  If he hadn’t I wouldn’t have met myself. I wouldn’t have realized that I’m powerful and that no matter what happens I will endure. I wouldn’t have known that no matter how many pieces of my soul shatter that I ultimately won’t break.  Terry McMillan says that writing is like praying on paper. If true, my blog, my upcoming book (see writing projects) and all my works in progress are the result of little stories floating up to heaven.  Donnie McClurkin sings We Fall Down, But We Get Up. So get up girl and get back in the game!

Are you singing your own swan song by letting the past get you down?

Black Swan Song

“There are two types of people who will tell you that you cannot make a difference in this world: Those who are afraid to try themselves, and those who are afraid that you will succeed” (Ray Goforth).  Don’t let the fears of others tell you how far you can go. If the tree branch looks slightly out of reach then that’s the branch you should reach for.  How big you dream, and what you can achieve, is totally dependent on you. A popular saying claims that there is strength in numbers. I don’t always agree. Sometimes your drive is diminished by a lack of support from those you love. You crave their approval but they don’t give it. You seek their help but they don’t offer it. You ask for their wisdom but it’s withheld. You feel alone. But there’s a silver lining. Evoke the power of one which is the belief that you can triumph over any obstacle life presents.  There will be times when the people around you will tell you that you’re less. Those people lack vision. They don’t see what you see. They have given up; letting life bury them under an avalanche of doubt, fear, and anxiety. Carry a shovel so you can dig yourself out. Sometimes being alone is better than being in a pack as supportive as a bunch of Desperate Housewives. Seek out people who will be there when you need them. These are the folks that believe in you and see the world as full of possibilities. Drop the dead weight of the past. You can’t maintain relationships based on nostalgia and blood ties alone.

Are you being supported in your goals?

The Power of One

Hope is like hot pepper sauce, a little goes a long way.  It flavors all your meals with a little kick.  It changes the texture and taste of everything and transforms it into something new.  An abundance of the sauce is like an explosion in your mouth that makes your eyes water, makes you take a dash for the nearest faucet and makes you dance around on one foot waiting for the sensation of heat to subside.  If hope is a seasoning then that’s what it would taste like.  Spicy.   When it comes to experiencing life—some like it hot!  I know because for some nothing is too flammable for their palate.  The moment the heat dies down their off again to grab the next piece of rib, chicken wing or lamb chop.  They keep coming back for more because the flavor reminds them that their alive.  It’s better to feel something, even explosive emotion, than to feel nothing at all.  Living life without hope is like cooking and eating the same meal everyday without the benefit of even the barest hint of flavor.  Repetitive meals of this type make a person lose their appetite; they get skinny and wane and the act of consuming food becomes a laborious chore.  People who live life without hope get anemic. Apathetic. Despondent. They lose the ability to taste and enjoy life. So for those on a vegan-life diet, choose to apply the hot pepper sauce to your life with a heavy hand.  Spice up everything you do with dashes of happiness, pinches of gladness, sprinkles of cheer and great big splashes of love and excitement.  Don’t be afraid that the fire will get too hot and burn out of control.  Hope is an ingredient that has no emotional threshold.  So for those of you who have forgotten to cook and live life with zest.  Don’t be afraid of the fire.  Burn baby, burn.

Some Like it Hot!

Super Sistah went to church on Sunday, I won’t tell you whether my butt was physically parked in the pew or if it was parked in front of the T.V.  Either way after a couple of Amen’s, I left church early.  Yes, I know, I’m a heathen. Or am I really? Only the angels guarding the entry to heaven in those cute little white diaper shorts on judgment day will know for sure. What I do know is that before I dashed off to do some critical, life affirming errands (shop at Target), and right before the choir hit its first scratchy notes lead by a member clearly not Whitney, the sermon given by the preacher actually touched me. It spoke to me.  It moved me.  Yeah, Super Sistah had a spiritual moment.  The topic on first Sunday—for the non-religious, the most spiritual Sunday of them all—was the theme: Your Life is on Loan.

What did the pastor mean?  For the piously challenged I will share how he broke it down to the congregation.

Some people live like they will live forever.  Some people live like tomorrow is guaranteed.  Some people are kind to others but are mean and miserly to themselves.  Some people take small bites out of life and eat God’s abundance with measured, stingy chews.  Some people work to pay bills, pay the car note and pay the mortgage and never laugh, enjoy life or see the world in all its glory.  There are people with thousands in the bank but can’t remember the last time they were happy. Like the 1995 movie with Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon, they’re Dead Man Walking.  Unfortunately for these folks they’re not Hollywood actors and not vampires with diamond skin and good hair.  Instead they’re flesh and blood human beings, who through deprivation and an unholy commitment to self-sacrifice have stopped breathing.  The X already marks their plot site, the tombstone has already been chosen and the coffin is a custom fit.  They’re dead already.  They just don’t realize.  They’re the living embodiments of the flick the Sixth Sense.  I watch a lot of movies so what! The point that I want to make is that when I die, I will die because death is inevitable; I want to say that I have seen, done and experienced all the love and laughter that my heart and hands can hold.  I want to be the greedy guest at thanksgiving and gorge myself on all that life has to offer.  I rather die now then be perpetually afraid, always color within the lines and wait for a tomorrow that I may never see.  To all of you who have forgotten to breathe.  Exhale.  Your Life is on Loan

Is your life an exercise in being joyous? Tell me, are you living life like it’s a gift?

Dead but Still Breathing